I've known for a long time technology now encroaches on my life. But a moment in which that became disturbly clearer happened a few weeks ago and I haven't recovered yet. Before, I'd be on my phone or iPad or computer 90% of my waking hours. I brought my laptop home at night, not actually accomplishing more work. I had my iPad with me while I watched TV. I read emails while stopped at a light.
And then I took my phone into the bathroom at work. (This isn't the realization moment, that's a common occurrance. I'm just setting the scene. Wait for it.) I put my phone down next to the sink to get situated. When I turned to pick it up, my sleeve caught it and sent it flying to the floor, just out of reach. I stretched out my foot to try and nudge it. Inches too far away. I looked around for something to extend my reach. A half-second later, without thinking, I had the plunger in my hand and was leaning over to tap my phone back.
You're cringing. And you should be.
Luckily, I paused, plunger mid-air, and thought WTF am I doing? I put the plunger back in the corner and finished up. As I bent over to pick up my phone I thought, I can't even pee without doing something else. And that's super weird.
Since then, I've tried to at least notice when I'm online. I don't bring my laptop home with me. The iPad mostly stays by my bed to read at night. My phone doesn't come to the dinner table and I try not to be on it when my children are present or if I'm doing anything else. Yet, the moments of silence or focus are short-lived. And just when I think I'm doing better, I'm not.
Yesterday, I went to get my haircut. I took my iPad to read the book I have on there while I was getting my hair colored. So, I did that. And then the cut started. I went to a new stylist and he wasn't chatty. He was so not chatty, it made me (a small-talk-hating person) feel like chatting. He was focused on giving me an awesome haircut though. I noticed my shoulders and stomach and back were clenched. In anticipation of him talking? I have no idea. I thought about picking up my book. But felt like that wouldn't work with for obvious reasons. It took a surprisingly long time for me to get over this anxiety, be still, and be doing nothing. Once I did, it was relaxing. I watched him cut (noting tips for when my mom forces me to trim her hair) and I listened to conversations around me (learning way too much about the almost 40-year-old behind me).
I am proud of myself for these efforts but... this shouldn't be hard to do. I didn't grow up with computers and cell phones. We had one house computer when I was in high school. I got a desktop when I went away to college. I got a cell phone my junior year of college. The iPad was passed down to me by my brother less than two years ago. I still had a flip phone until 2013. But addictions happen quickly. You put your phone down, but then Didn't it just vibrate? I should check. It might be an emergency. Hmm, no call. Well, since it's on, I'll just check Facebook. And email. And update Henry's Facebook page. And read these articles on my tiny two-inch-wide screen while I squint my glasses-wearing-since-sixth-grade eyes that have been looking at screen most of the day.
This boggles my mind. I once went to a silent retreat with monks at an abbey. We had classes during the day, but our work time, meals and night times were in silence. For several days. It was heavenly (no pun intended). And after it, I felt grounded and communal. But now, I feel even less connected to people. And feel "too busy" to: _______ (blog, sew, write, exercise, etc.) Instead of spending my time on things that fill me up, I'm wasting time on Facebook and Law & Order SVU marathons and blogging about these things during my work day.
I know silent meals aren't likely with my squawking, growing, language-learning boys. And I know I won't not check my phone periodically. But I'm experimenting with leaving it upstairs next to the iPad on the nightstand. Or at least in the other room. And I close the Facebook window after I've loaded up the page for work.
And... okay, I won't bring the phone with me to the bathroom anymore. Fine, it's gross and unnecessary.
And I won't watch SVU.
Unless it's an episode I haven't seen.
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