Nick Jonas: Deal With Your S#!t

I've had a bit of insomnia lately and spent hours not-sleeping in bed thinking about random things. Last night, I spent some time on Nick Jonas. His new song has been bothering me for awhile now. 

I don’t like the way he’s looking at you. I’m starting to think you want him, too. Am I crazy, have I lost ya? Even though I know you love me, can’t help it. I turn my chin music up and I’m puffing my chest. I’m getting red in the face, you can call me obsessed. It’s not your fault that they hover, I mean no disrespect. It’s my right to be hellish, I still get jealous. 'Cause you’re too sexy, beautiful, and everybody wants a taste. That’s why (that’s why) I still get jealous. I wish you didn’t have to post it all, I wish you’d save a little bit just for me. Protective or possessive, yeah, call it passive or aggressive.

This disturbs me on so many levels. I recommend Nick's girlfriend take this quiz. I admit my revulsion of this song strikes a personal chord. Recently, I was looking up signs of an abusive relationship for something work-related. I found a quiz (not that one, but similar): "Are you in an abusive relationship?" and realized I could have answered "yes" to over half the questions if I thought about my first marriage. 

I was never hit or even threatened with physical abuse. He didn't break things or throw things. He never forced me to have sex. I didn't cover up bruises or wonder where I could safely sleep. My ex-husband was smart, funny, talented and extremely jealous. I never did figure out why, but I thought at some point my love and commitment would be proof enough. I mean, we were married - that had to mean something, right? 

Nope. I couldn't talk about any men I worked with - married, gay or otherwise. He made comments on clothes I wore - too low cut, too short, what did I want people to think? He sulked when I spent any time away from him, even the movies with my mom. We didn't discuss any movie stars we thought were attractive - like there was any possibility that Ryan Gosling and I were going to hook up. There were friendships I let fizzle out because "asking" to go out with them didn't seem worth the repercussions. I remember going to a protest march with my father and a co-worker of my dad's. My phone ran out of batteries and I spent the remainder of the day knowing I'd have to deal with a cold-shouldered, brooding husband when I got home. Explaining how it didn't even occur to me to be interested in my dad's co-worker. I was marching with my dad! Choosing my words. Not making too much noise. Being extra nice. 

Looking back, I don't even recognize that person. When I've talked to Jared about it, he says, "I can't picture that. I feel like if I tried to tell you what to wear, not that I would of course (nervous giggle), you'd laugh or give me a death glare." I knew I didn't like the jealousy. I knew it was a shadow over me, but I never considered it abusive. It didn't occur to me the power that was being wielded. In fact, it wasn't until I read that quiz the intensity sunk in. 

Getting back to Nick Jonas, I work with 7th and 8th grade girls in my Girls' Coalition Group at work. I can picture them listening to his song. Bobbing their heads and thinking how it would feel to have a boyfriend getting all worked up over you. How pretty he must think you are to be so jealous. How much other guys would want to be with you, too, if one guy felt that way. And I would try to talk with them about how jealousy can be normal, but chest-puffing, red-in-the-face, obsessed, hellish, possessiveness is not. It is debilitating to the person and the partner. No matter how much laughing and enjoying music together and painting side-by-side and dancing in subways and traveling through Europe happens, it becomes the thing you see. It becomes the eggshells you walk on. 

My answer is, Nick Jonas, you can help it.  Deal with your own shit. Do not subject a person you care about to the full weight and responsibility of your low self-esteem. Don't blame her for your mental imbalance. Don't date someone because of their looks and then say she's "too sexy." Don't act like she's an ice cream flavor "everybody wants a taste" of. That's gross and objectifying. And the answer to your third line is yes, you are crazy and yes, you should lose her. Except she's probably grown up listening to crappy songs like yours so she might think it's okay. 

So Music Industry, quit releasing songs underplaying abusive relationships. Especially not as pop songs that make jealousy sound perky and rhythmic. You let Maroon 5 get away with Animal, an anthem to creepster stalking (there is hanging meat and blood in the video!!) and Chris Brown continue to be a star. What the hell? You say it's because the records sell. Well, if you offered something else - something with standards, something that promoted healthy relationships and positive body image - that would sell, too. Because you are media machine and you're already determining trends. Use your Spider Man values on that great power. 

In closing, Nick Jonas, you sir, are no Marky Mark. 

(I'm sure you're hoping my insomnia goes away soon.)