Life & Death

Over the last couple of months, Henry has brought home "death." It started with the use of "killing" as a thing he'd do to something he didn't like or something he'd protect me from.

"I love you so I won't let anyone kill you."

Crossing the street, I say, "Hold my hand, please."
"Because you don't want me to die?" he'll ask.

Or when a train track doesn't do what he wants, "I hate this thing, I'm going to kill it."

I asked him where this was coming from, the nonchalant way I've developed, the way people approach skittish kittens. He's also recently aware of snitching, getting other kids in trouble, and hesitates to reveal sources. I have to greet these developments with curiosity rather than the sometimes panic, sometimes anger, sometimes sadness I actually feel.

"Killing," I started. "Have we talked about that together? Or did you talk at school about it?" I practically shrugged, the universal sign for I couldn't care less.
"...School," he finally said. "Igor (name changed) told me." He waited a beat, then looked at me, "Can we talk about killing?"
"Of course." I hunkered down in my chair, physically prepping myself for tough questions. "What questions do you have?"
"Do you like killing?" he asked, letting me know his brain isn't there yet.
"I don't," I said, not too quickly.
"How come?" he asked with genuine interest, his head tilted to one side, eyes scrunched.
"Killing is very serious," I stalled, trying to figure out where I was going with that. "Killing sounds like an angry word to me. It sounds mean. If you kill something, it means it will never live again. Never get to see its mom or read books or eat goldfishies or play at the park. It would be gone forever."
"But what if someone is mean. Do we kill them?"
"I don't," I answered, leaving room for others. "I walk away. Or I tell them no, thank you. I don't spend time with people who are mean to me, but I also don't kill them. Just because someone is mean, doesn't mean I have to be mean."
He got distracted by the red nose of a leftover Victor the train poking out from under a chair. I know this will come up again in varies forms for years.

In San Diego, he went with my dad to a cemetery. I'd explained to him the headstones are things people buy to remind them of someone who died. It is a place where they can go and remember how funny/smart/silly/kind/brave that person was. We didn't talk about bodies. He didn't ask. But he did learn I'd lost both grandmothers and a grandfather. "Did they die?" he asks when they come up. "Do you miss them?" he asks when I tell him yes.

A 14-year-old boy died recently in Pittsfield. It was sudden and completely unexpected and has rocked the town. He was a kind and involved kid who left many to mourn him. Henry heard about this as he doesn't miss anything being discussed in the same room. When he saw the boy's headshot, he frowned and said to Jared, "Oh, that is so sad. I bet his parents miss him. What kind pants was he wearing?"

I wish I could look inside his head and see what his brain is doing with death. See what images flash when he thinks of sadness and what pants mean to him with a dead child. He is a sensitive boy and I want to both maintain that and protect him. I've said more than once what lucky boys my sons are (for many reasons) to have four amazing grandparents so close and involved in their lives. But I also recall the near devastation I felt when my grandfather, a man I spent every afternoon with, died when I was in 8th grade. I don't want that heartbreak for my children, but I also wouldn't trade the relationship I had with my grandfather.

All this has been swimming around in my mind since Henry brought home those words. Words that, unlike pink and girly, aren't constructs. They are reality. Death happens. Killing happens. I can't critical think them away for him.

And then my dad had chest pains. And then my dad was in the hospital. And then one of his main arteries was 95% blocked. And then I was relaying medical diagnosis to my brother and my mom's voice was cracking on the phone. And with my father on an IV of blood thinners to avoid a heart attack until they could schedule a procedure, I stopped to ask myself how I was feeling. And I was pissed. Driving to the hospital, in my imaginary conversation with my father, I told him how mad at him I'd be if he died. What a jerk he'd be if, after solidifying his spot as the Greatest Bumpie ever, he'd just kick the bucket and leave me with two sons who love him, but would eventually not remember him.

But I couldn't say this to Henry, of course. Death is hard enough to wrap a near four-year-old's head around when it doesn't involve Bumpie. Instead I told him Bumpie was in the hospital for the doctors to work on his heart. We talked about medicine and hospital gowns and the sounds a heart makes while pumping. We talked about how proud we were of Bumpie for listening to his body and going to the doctor. I told him how a tiny balloon would help Bumpie's heart and I waited for death to come into the conversation. Whether my explanations were good enough or he couldn't even fathom Bumpie dying, Henry didn't ask. Together we painted a cardboard heart box "for Bumpie to keep his heart things in" and wrote him a card. He waited for Bumpie to come home, "Why are the doctors taking so long??" he dragged.

And then Bumpie came home. With a barrage of new medicine and some lingering lethargy, but he's there. And, for Henry, it's almost like it never happened. It has made me refocus on life. I can't stop death for Henry, for anyone, but I can show him how to love and be loved. I can show him compassion and kindness. Communication and discussion. Teach him to ask questions and never make him feel like they aren't good ones. And we can enjoy our Bumpie, Nona, Grammie and Grampie as long as we have them. Because they have all shaped my children, long after their lives.

Pink Bikes & KMart Potties

Last week, I took Henry to pick out his first bike. Over summer school, they have "Bike Fridays," hence the shopping trip. 

I picked him after his first full school day (normally, he goes from 8:30-11:30 and that day was 8:30-4), not knowing what to expect. He still naps at home and on the days he misses one, the last couple of hours before bedtime can be especially painful. He was surprisingly upbeat, wearing his new shark swim trunks, hair wet from the sprinklers. 

We headed to KMart. We found the toy aisle and he started doing the potty dance almost immediately. Crossing his legs, bending his knees and holding his crotch while checking out a plastic golf kit. 

"Do you need to use the potty, Henry?" 
"Nope." More dancing. 
"They have potties here. It's not good to make your bladder wait."
"Nope."
...
"Mom, I have to use the potty. I can't hold it." 

I tell him to try and grab his hand, hustling towards my guess of where those potties might be. 

"I'm going to pee right now!"

I scoop him up in my arms, running at this point. "Hold on, baby, we're almost there," I reassure, dodging bins of As Seen on TV products, Bed-In-A-Bag sets and $5 DVDs. We pass the restroom sign and circle back. Henry is clenching my body with his legs wrapped around me. 

"Here we go," I gasp, pushing through the door and cramming into the first stall. He grabs his pants and sits on the toilet and I hear the tinkling before his cheeks even hit the sit. 

"Phew," he says. "That was a close one. When you ran, you pushed my pee back in."

I use the potty after him and he opens the stall door while my skirt is up around my waist. This is already going so well.

At the bikes, Henry immediately sees the Doc McStuffins bike and declares, "That's a girl bike."

I take a deep breath, still recovering from my sprint and now poised to go into battle against misogyny for my son's soul. 

"Why do you say that?" I ask. 
"Because it is."
"Do you like Doc McStuffins?"
He thinks for a second. "I do."
"Well, that bike is for anyone who likes Doc McStuffins."
He thinks again. His logic only goes so far and I've presented a solid case. 
"I don't want that bike," he settles on. 
"You don't have to pick that bike," I agree, "But I want you to know you could if you wanted to."

He is already off looking at Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (which I know he's never watched) and Spiderman (which he's semi-obsessed with, but knows so little about). I curse the boys he goes to school with. I curse the media. I curse the marketing departments of every major corporation. What happened to orange bikes? Or bikes with dinosaurs? Why do we have to buy crappy character bikes that limit my son? The answer is, we don't. But we were there, days away from Bike Friday. 

I pointed to a red and black bike with flames. "What do you think of this one?" I try to keep my voice casual. 
"S'okay. I like Spiderman." 
Deep breath. 
"But this one is on fire," he continues. 
"Yeah, that's pretty neat." I add, hopefully. 

Don't get me wrong. I like Spiderman. I love XMen. What I don't love is my three-year-old liking something solely based on what his friends and media has told him is cool. If he liked that a regular kid - a nerdy kid, a kid interested in science and photography and writing - got bit by a spider, got super powers and used those powers to fight crime, then we could talk. But instead he denied a smart girl who has the power to talk to toys and uses that power to cure them, a story that he knows and love, because she was on a pink bike. What his friends and our culture tells him speaks louder in his ears than even his bladder telling him he has to pee.This is where I have a problem. 

We bought the flame bike, one that he will pass on to his brother in a couple years. And at home, while he waited for Bumpie to assemble the bike, he found a large, pink, paper flower in the back of my car. A flower we'd brought home from walking in the Pride Parade. After the brakes were tightened, the training wheels attached and the horn tested, Henry looped the giant, bright pink poof of petals to the handlebars. 

"This is my parade flower," he told me, and pushed off on his bike. 

I spent the rest of my week at a Hardy Girls' conference for adults working with girls. We talked about media literacy, being a muse, and social activism. With each power point slide, video, discussion or activity, I thought of my boys at home and what they are up against. I pictured that pink flower on Henry's bike and how to hold onto the three-year-old who enjoys flowers and parades over misogynistic conventions. How to teach my sons to listen to themselves and decide on their own. Not to look down on a color because it's associated with girls. To look at their mother, who they still love and adore (most of the time) and show them a contradiction to what a lot of culture wants them to believe. Teach them to ask questions and argue with those contradictions. To expose them, over and over and over, to complex people who can like reading and football and purple and green and boys and girls and traveling and camping and watching bad television. 

Knowing they are sponges, I want them to pick up everything, notice and observe, and come to their own conclusions. 

Mr. Sullivan

I realized the other day I'd written an homage to Henry (and regularly include Henry stories), but none to Sullivan. He may be young, but he has all kinds of personality. 

On June 7, Sullivan will be 10 months old. And he's huge. He wears 2T clothes... for non-baby people, that's stuff designed for two-year-olds. Here are things I love about Sullivan: 

• those adorable teeth of his.
  
• his kind, joyful, spreading smile.
  
• his determination. Even though it is usually focused on grabbing electrical chords and eating random sticks tracked into the house from Henry's shoes or the dogs' fur.
• his desire to stand. He's been downward dogging it for awhile now and loves to climb up on things.
  
• the way he looks when he sleeps. Don't all parents love the sight of their children sleeping?? 
  
• his laugh. Omygoodness what an amazing sound that is. I swear if I walked into the middle of a combat zone and pretended to eat Sullivan's neck (lovingly known as his gibblets), the laugh that would erupt from that child would halt a war. Soldiers would take their fingers off the triggers, drones would screech to a stop in the air and small children would emerge from rubble to smile at the sweet cackle of Sullivan.
• how he looks in hats. 
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
• his admiration of his brother. Already it's begun. When Henry walks into a room, Sullivan tracks him. Smiles at him. Reaches for him. Imitates him. 
  
  
  
• his appetite. Yes, he loves food, but he also consumes the world around him. Watching flies. Petting a leaf. Splashing in water. Everything is fascinating and I love seeing him eat it all up. (this is actually a picture of him watching a fly)
  
• the way he looks in a tie. 
  
• how he snuggles. 
• his strong voice. 
  
• how much he loves Darby (and dogs in general). 
  
• what a fantastic traveler he is (at least so far). 
  
• how he sucks his thumb and plays with his feet when he's tired. 
  

Anniversary Tacos

Today is our second wedding anniversary. To celebrate, we are going to drive four hours (round trip) to get tacos. I'm serious. We found out there's a taco stand run by migrant workers in a teeny tiny town in Maine and that's where we're headed. And on the way back we'll probably see the new X-Man movie. A fantastic day. 

It's shocking what we've been able to cram into our five-year relationship. Before I met Jared, I made a list of things I'd want in a partner. I have no recollection of making this list, but I'm guessing it happened after a bad date. A few months into knowing Jared, I came across the list and laughed. It's not every day that you meet someone who checks off all the boxes. Love you, Jared! 

THINGS I’D WANT IN A PARTNER

Taller than me!!!

Sense of humor (sarcasm)

Intelligence

Has at least a couple of great friends

Good relationship with family

Great smile

Passionate about work/school

Likes dogs

Plays an instrument

Has traveled or wants to travel

Makes me laugh and laughs at me

Probably not from San Diego

Speaks another language

Can dance

Honest on his own (don't have to pull shit out of him)

Likes movies and television

Likes camping (but not a fanatic)

Likes hockey

High tolerance for silliness

Knows how to cook at least two decent meals

Sing Us a Song Mr. Lego Man

For my mom's birthday last week, Henry sang her Rocky Raccoon. Not just the chorus of " Rocky Raccoon checked into a room" but the first 163 words of it (see highlighted below). I had asked Jared to stop singing it to him and Sullivan after Henry came up to me and asked if I was going to run off with another guy as per the song. But... hearing Henry sing it was beyond adorable and hilarious. 

He's always been musical, but lately, with his crazy memory, the lyrics are a'flowin. He sings to Sullivan and Sullivan does a little shake that could be considered a dance. Sullivan has got the music in him, too. His favorite show on TV is Glee. Whatever he's doing in the room, when we turn it on and the characters break into song, he turns around, big eyes on the screen and does the little body shake. Again adorable. 

They will also sing in the car. Sullivan prefers Gypsy Kings while riding with Jared, sort of more like yelling, but hey, he's nine months. It oddly sounds in tune. Henry likes Disney show tunes where Mommy bumbles up lyrics. My rendition of "Part of Your World (aka. Look at this Stuff)" is quite moving. You can really feel Ariel's longing. It's a driving-to-school-favorite. 

And, of course, Jared and I rap. Yes, we rap. They particularly enjoy the Fresh Prince of Bel Air theme song, with Vanilla Ice and Nate Dogg & Warren G close runner ups. To represent the ladies, I recently converted En Vogue's "Whatta Man" into "Whatta man, whatta man, whatta tiny Lego man (he's a tiny Lego man)." The rap that followed ("I'd like to take a minute or two to give much respect to, the tiny Lego man in the backseat...") changed with each singing.

It has been fun to watch Henry's musical taste evolve. He's always liked to watch Jared play guitar. And more recently, accordion. And what kid doesn't like to bang on a plastic drum set? He also does a little dance, stomping his feet and waving his upper body side to side with some spastic jazz hands thrown in. I try to dance with him to show him dancing can be silly and fun and free from inhibitions. Considering neither Jared or I are much of athletes, maybe we can raise some musicians. 

Now somewhere in the Black Mountain Hills of Dakota
There lived a young boy named Rocky Raccoon,
And one day his woman ran off with another guy,
Hit young Rocky in the eye.
Rocky didn't like that
He said, "I'm gonna get that boy".
So one day he walked into town
Booked himself a room in the local saloon.

Rocky Raccoon checked into his room,
Only to find Gideon's Bible.
Rocky had come, equipped with a gun,
To shoot off the legs of his rival.
His rival it seems, had broken his dreams,
By stealing the girl of his fancy.
Her name was Magill, and she called herself Lil,
But everyone knew her as Nancy.
Now she and her man, who called himself Dan,
Were in the next room at the hoe down.
Rocky burst in, and grinning a grin,
He said, "Danny boy, this is a showdown".
But Daniel was hot, he drew first and shot,
And Rocky collapsed in the corner.
Now the doctor came in, stinking of gin,
And proceeded to lie on the table.
He said, "Rocky, you met your match".
And Rocky said, "Doc, it's only a scratch.
And I'll be better, I'll be better, Doc, as soon as I am able".

Now Rocky Raccoon, he fell back in his room,
Only to find Gideon's Bible.
Gideon checked out, and he left it, no doubt,
To help with good Rocky's revival.

Let's Get Physical

I don’t remember how much I weighed before the boys. I don’t remember what size I was. But I do remember caring about those things a lot more. Even in between Henry and Sullivan. When clothes didn’t fit right and my body felt less than half mine. But having more of a life, an identity, outside of them reminds me I am a separate person. And I’m able to see my body as the thing that created them and held them and feeds them.

Pregnancy was life-changing for me. Not in the ways it is for everyone - the whole, duh, now you have a child and of course life changes ways. But for someone who was insanely skinny and tall and felt out of place and not particularly attractive and disconnected from the body I didn’t fully understand - pregnancy grounded me. It renewed my awe and trust of nature. Being a part of something so much bigger than myself (which, if you’ve seen my pregnancy photos, I was not small :)). That I didn’t have to read books or take classes or even totally understand what was happening in there, but my body knew. And it would go on autopilot if I spazzed out. If I didn’t eat perfectly for breastfeeding, it would still take what the baby needs. That was and continues to be comforting for me. I try to take myself and my body a little less seriously.

So, my body and I have reached a peace.

My exercise consists of

• living in a three-story house where bed, food and tv are on different floors
• working in a building on a downtown street where I park half a block away and walk to eat
• walking down the dirt road with my parents, dogs and sons listening to Henry name the birds
• nursing Sullivan in bed and the living room and pumping twice a day in my office
• picking up Henry in a near primal hug when I get home from work and he looks like such a grown boy, often only wearing underwear
• chasing after Sullivan as he realizes, although he can't get his knees to crawl with him, he can drag his body to any exposed cord or dog or coveted toy of Henry's that will cause a brother battle
  
• dancing to the radio with Henry and Sullivan on the weekends after pancakes with my family around me, all in pajamas.

My dressing consists of

• finding shades and shapes and patterns that remind me I’m creative and colorful
• nursing bras underneath sweaters with zippers, shirts with buttons or dresses that can be peeled back for easy access
• dangly earrings that tinkle or jangle to a subtle soundtrack when I walk
• scarves with sequins or stripes or polka dots or bold, loud colors that peek out of jackets or hang on sweaters like adult equivalents of twirly straws
• wackadoodle socks hidden under winter boots which are eagerly transitioning to bare feet in comfortable, red sandals and tweed, brown flats.

My eating consists of

• finally enjoying broccoli
• keeping a snack drawer at work which I replenish on weekly visits to the Trader Joe’s in Portland, typing while chewing ½ salt almonds, fruit strips, Cuties tangerines, and oatmeal chocolate chip cookies
• frozen Stouffer's’ lasagna and Trader Joes’ macaroni & cheese lunches which my coworkers make fun of me for loving Stouffers best even after living in Italy
• salad bar salads from Hannaford’s that mimic the one item I like from Wendy’s menu with cranberries, nuts, bleu cheese and chicken
• delicious dinners made by my husband and shared with my family at the table every night: tacos and stews and pasta and chicken parm and conversations about our days.

Girls Rock! Weekend

I wrote this for the Hardy Girls Blog, but figured I'd post it here, too.

Ban/Say Action Spot

The past week and a half at Hardy Girls has been an exciting (and full) time. It was my first Girls Rock! Weekend and, while I loved my job before that, the weekend solidified my passion. On Friday, I watched 200 girls and their allies flow into a Colby college building, bursting with energy and adventure. They started with the Action Spots - creating Feminism flags, stepping on the YAY scale, framing themselves as activists, banning words and advocating for others, and talking back to the media.

Then we all gathered in the auditorium, the crowd already buzzing. I had the privilege of introducing our GAB girls and watching the 4th-8th grade eyes light up as their high school presenters talked about topics they probably wondered if other people think about: girls playing sports, girls from other countries, archetypes in literature. I could tell everything meant more coming from girls than anything we could have said on stage. The younger girls were soaking it up.

They went off to the workshops, eager in their matching t-shirts. They learned about self expression, sexualization in the media, being your own SHEro, and more. Meanwhile the adults came together to talk about what our girls are up against. The unhealthy soil they are planted in and how we can nourish their growth.

The day ended with a slideshow, the girls cheering when they saw themselves and their friends and allies projected onto the big screen.

Girls Rock! Award winners

After this energizing, but already long day, the staff of Hardy Girls packed, unpacked, and re-packed our cars, high on the power of girls. We met up in Augusta for the 5th Annual Girls Rock! Awards to honor five girls who are making Maine a better place to live and grow. They are the first Somali female to win a cross-country meet in the state of Maine; transgender activist who has walked the halls of the Maine legislature; a fashion designer and business owner who found her niche designing fashionable and modest clothing for young Muslim women; a performer and fundraiser who started her own nonprofit at age eight after her mother beat cancer for the third time; and an enthusiastic freshman with Down Syndrome who joined the cheer squad, not only redefining "able," but redefining team. We also honored Betsy Parsons with our Co-Creator Award for her decades of work supporting Gay-Straight-Transgender-Alliances in Maine high schools and co-founding GLSEN Southern Maine. Each winner accepted the awards with speeches sharing their stories of conviction, activism, and leadership. I was humbled by their stories and even more determined to continue the work we do.

Self-expression workshop

We headed home for some sleep only to reconvene in Portland early the next day to do it all over again. More bright faces, more confident hands shooting up in the air, more words to ban and better choices given. Over both conferences, we had over 350 girls and their allies! Our goal for Portland was 50 registrations (based on our 35 from last year) and we had 150! I went home so pumped that instead of going to sleep, I sat reading conference evaluations until way past my bedtime.

As a staff, we felt inspired, ecstatic, motivated… and tired. :)

So when my Board told me we were extending our mini-retreat this immediate past weekend to be a Friday overnight and work session on Saturday, I met that with mixed feelings. We talked about finances, collaboration, planning. There were times when differences of opinions elevated the volume of the conversation and definitely felt a little heated. This, even this, was exhilarating. After spending the previous weekend seeing the energy and power of girls, I spent this weekend with passionate, hardy women. We discussed, we voiced and we modeled. Being a team doesn’t mean always agreeing or pretending you’re fine with decisions when you aren’t. It was invigorating to be apart of big conversations that were treated with the gravity they deserve, but sense of humor, empathy and strength of conviction were not lost. These women are committed to the equality, independence and safety for girls and women in Maine and I’m lucky to have them on the Hardy Girls team.

Awesome HGHW staff!

I’m beyond proud of the Hardy Girls staff, honored to have the incredible Board and inspired by girls of Maine. Thank you to everyone who volunteered, donated, or attended. Girls Rock!!